Heard in the Bar
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, “Sir, what will you have?”
The man thought a moment, then replied, “A martini, please”.
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, “Sir, what is your IQ?”
The man answered, “Oh, about 164.”
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. . . .
The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic. He returned and took a seat.
Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.
A martini, please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, “What is your IQ, sir?”
This time the man answered, “Oh, about 100”. So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool . . . Again a martini, and the question “What is your IQ?”
This time the man drawled out “Uh . . . 'bout 50.”
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, “A…r…e y…o…u…r p…e…o…p…l…e r…e…a…l…l…y g…o…i…n…g t…o n…o…m…i…n…a…t…e H…i…l…l…a…r…y?”
Small Consolation
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I'm not a liberal Democrat.”
“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”
“Why I'm a proud conservative Republican,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.
“Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That's no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Lucy, “I'd be a liberal Democrat.”
The Bowl on the Organ
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he could no longer resist.. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.”
Be Careful How You Vote
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it's time to visit heaven.” So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don't understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning …
… Today you voted.”
Tee Time
A man and his wife walk into a dentist's office. The man says to the dentist, “Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thinks to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.”
Sharing
He ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, “That poor old couple -all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.. This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered....
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“THE TEETH.”
Nun Golfer
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses; “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?” asked Mother Superior.
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, Mother, oh no, not yet! As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior.
“Oh no, Mother! My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the f****** putt, didn't you?”
Just One Wish
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So... What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the freaking map again.”
Retirees
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Do retirees ever get a vacation?
A. Yes, two of them. Each six months long.
Iraqi Spies
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers, “Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.”
The Greatest Movie Line of All Time
Click here.
Football finally makes sense
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
Oh, I really liked it,“ she replied, ”especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!”
Who's Minding the Store?
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.” With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!”
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”
The other answers, “I thought YOU were watching her dice!”
Passing of the Gun
As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying he called his grandson to his bed. “Grandson”, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver, so you will always remember me.
“But,” whined the grandson, “I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How about leaving me your gold Rolex Watch instead?”
“You lissna to me,” responded the Don... “Somma day you gonna be runna da business.. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta do you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, ”Times up"?
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
- If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
- For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
- If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
- Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.